A British pensioner has escaped the jaws of death by sipping whisky from a bottle. During a power cut in his home, the elderly gentleman named Joe tripped over a phone chord and fell to the ground whereupon his sofa tried to eat him. Local police suspect the garish but innocent looking piece of furniture had craftily prepared the cowardly attack a few hours in advance.
The 19-stone former bricklayer in fact owes his very existence today to the copious amounts of bacon butties and pork pies he and his former co-workers enjoyed every lunch time and on the football terraces each weekend. The pensioner’s size and weight meant the sofa’s jaws were unable to completely swallow the 65-year-old and instead he was left half consumed on his living room floor.
“It was terrifying just lying there for so long and not being able to do anything about it. I honestly thought my days were numbered.”
Sixty hours after the incident, a local resident worried by the drawn curtains, came peering through the letter box. The resulting cries and curses led the nosey neighbour to call the emergency services. Chronic back problems meant Joe could not extract himself from under the upholstered beast. He had no food and relied solely on a half-full whisky bottle to provide fluids.
Ambulance crews took the poor pensioner to hospital where he was to spend the next 5 days recovering. Police found that the sofa was deceased, apparently from suffocation. Possible motives for the attack include the lack of edibles dropped in recent weeks due to Joe’s new diet and fitness regime.
UK authorities are warning the general public to keep a glass of water and biscuits by their larger items of furniture.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Oy.
Oh what a TERRIBLE experience…. hahaha. Too funny.
Every night, when I’m in bed I flip through channels and end up on shows that feature medical shockers like this. I am compelled to watch, but I feel guilty for watching, sad for the person, often disgusted, etc. Hard to believe that these incidents really happen.
Lol!