The Lancashire Veterinary Journal this week published a scientific report on the increasing number of cases of Felis Notailus amongst the cat population of Great Britain. It’s feared the medical condition, which eventually leads to the animal’s tail falling off, could soon spread to Continental Europe and even North America.
Doctor Vince Pawson, one of the world’s foremost experts in cat physiology has described it as the most worrying of modern medical events and warns people to take the advice of their local veterinarian.
“Soon, it is going to be inevitable that this will make headline news across the nation and indeed the world. While most cats will survive the loss of their tail, as long as the resulting wound is cared for, it will nevertheless alter the general balance and behaviour of our feline companions drastically.”
Animal charities and veterinary associations countrywide and abroad are soon to begin delivering leaflets to registered cat owners informing them of the spreading condition and its symptoms. It’s not believed as yet that other animals, including humans, will be affected but tests are ongoing.
There is however some positive news. The condition, if caught early, can be reversed. Pet owners will be advised to undertake certain exercises with their cats regardless of whether the animal shows common symptoms.
Below are five of the twenty-three preventative measures that the Lancashire Veterinary Council will soon release in detailed brochures, including diagrams and charts.
1. Massage the region above where the tail meets the cat’s back. Make gentle circular movements for around ten minutes at least three times a day. This simple action will promote blood flow to the area.
2. Check to see if the cat has impacted anal sacs. These are pea-sized sac-like structures located under the skin around the anus. Although rare, these sacs are liable to burst when the anal sphincter muscles are contracted and the resulting acid coat itself around the cat’s tail. This will lead to skin legions and the accelerated onset of the new condition. If found, then seek advice with your local vet immediately.
3. The lactic acid in the milk we drink is both softening and exfoliating. Numerous admirers of milk baths including Cleopatra and Queen Elizabeth I of England have attested to their healing benefits. It’s advisable to use the kitchen or bathroom sink when soaking your cat in ordinary cow’s milk. First dip the animal’s hind legs into the pre-heated milk before lowering the entire body and most importantly, the tail, under the surface. Do this once every day, however don’t let the cat drink the milk afterwards.
4. It’s important to keep the muscles around the bottom of the spine strong and nimble. Find a room in your house with lots of space and free of sharp edges like the corners of tables or bookshelves. For the first minute, kneel calmly with the cat and assure it with loving strokes and sounds. Then slowly stand, wrap your hands around the middle of the cat’s tail and start to swing the animal around the room. Aim to make at least three revolutions every four seconds before decreasing the speed as the exercise draws to a close. It’s advisable to wear a thick jacket and gloves for this action.
5. Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), also known as electroshock is a controversial psychiatric treatment. However, veterinarians have recently been looking into the possible short and long term effects the practice might have on the new condition. It is important to keep all children and family members with heart pacemakers installed in a different room if and when you decide to experiment on your cat. Further details of the equipment needed for this treatment is provided in Section B of the brochure however a 60W lamp has been found to work sufficiently.
The brochure, which will include these five points and eighteen more valuable and helpful tips for stopping your cat’s tail from falling off, is set to be published and made available to the public in March 2009.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
ROFL!!! good luck considering you have many cats to bathe!
I’m hoping you will help.
Hmmm, I will help ofcourse I will.
I’ve never heard of this before – thanks for the heads up -hopefully it doesn’t become an epidemic.
Beaman I finally found you again…Yayy!!!! Is this for real? Oh my well I always rub Puma right at the top of his tail along the back. But, I’ll have Walter do the anal check up.:-))))))
Hello Shinade.
No, this is, as you probably guessed, completely fictitious. Although the cat will definitely thank you for the back rub.
I don’t understand this situations…Here in Japan, it’s very common to see short tailed cats.It’s not diseases but hereditary they don’t have long tails.
You said in England tail-less cats would be increaing by disease?
Thanks for any informations.
Nyanko. If you are a cat lover, you have no need to worry. This is a satire article.
Haha but swinging a cat as you describe is definitely one for masochists!
That was really funny but so it sounded so official. Oh the irony. Satire can be more informative than the news sometimes. I am really glad you owned up to the humor in the comments. I keep thinking about the poor people who have mean little cats like I do that would be more than happy to show their disapproval of the care listed above. If I would have any of that with my cat I would come back with a numb or two.
You jest! I live in Vietnam and the cats here are BORN with little, crooked stumpy tails. It’s supposedly genetic, but pathetically sad…
Sounds like a serious problem, but it seems to me like such a detailed pamphlet with 23 preventative measures will be largely ignored. A simpler pamphlet with fewer preventative measures would be read more I suspect.