Event organisers including King Gordon Pendragon (formerly known as “that bastard in No.10″) and Butterfly Hazel admitted puzzlement as to why the numbers were much lower than the record-breaking 2009 gathering. Some have suggested the cooler than normal weather conditions as being a factor but sources close to King Gordon Pendragon admit the new influx of Liberal Democrats attending the event has soured the atmosphere for many previous attendees.

A former Stonehenge devotee, now in his late 70s, stated in a local Wiltshire newspaper the reason for his absence this year: “I ain’t a quiddle but it’s become all a nunny-fudge with them there Liberal Democrats comin’ with their zammy lot n’ spoilin’ what used to be a deedy n’ docy event”.

The entire Liberal Democrat party descended on Stonehenge this morning in order to, as their spokesman put it, “reconnect with Nature”. Chris Huhne was the only absentee, having already done his bit for Mother Nature with PR woman Carina Trimingham. Some reports also suggest that little Sarah Teather could have been offered as a sacrifice although English Heritage, the custodian of the Stonehenge site, are currently unaware of any such incidents.

A number of arrests were made overnight in relation to minor disorder and alcohol related offences and one person taken to hospital with a stray vuvuzela horn stuck up a bodily orifice. Organisers deemed the event a success albeit with a lower turn out. David Laws is expected to make a full recovery.

The omens for England looked bad when just ten minutes after the kick-off, a South African bird landed on the Algerian goal netting and began to admire the action. As Rooney and Heskey tried to find ways past the mundane Algerian defence, the bird did not appear to look unduly worried about the possibility of having to vacate its new home. The most humiliating moment came at half-time, when realising the sides would swap ends, the bird upped and flew across to the opposite goal netting.

Both teams were dire and after the match, it was deemed that the man-of-the-match be the anonymous bird that had provided so much entertainment to South African and Algerian fans in the stadium. Unfortunately, the bird was not able to pick up its reward after going missing. FIFA are apparently launching an enquiry against the England Football Association regarding the missing bird, with Rooney seen spitting feathers after walking off the pitch in disgust.

When interviewed about the cameras last year, local Muslim Councillor Salma Yaboob shrieked: “Residents have lost faith with the Zionist authorities for their sneaky handling of the matter! The Ummah will not be reassured until they have been told the locations of the hidden cameras too”.

A local Imam had a further problem with the surveillance cameras. Choosing to remain anonymous, the Islamic leader said through an interpreter: “These cameras … they should be covered up. Or moved. Our young are taken advantage of. My son and his son and his son after him, they are all menaced by these uncovered cameras! They provoke … they are provocative … they move their heads around when people walk by. They titillate … yes … they flirt and titillate with my son and his son and his son after him … they must be covered!”

Local council leaders and police have profusely apologised for the naked cameras found in Muslim areas of Birmingham. They have also written to local mosques explaining their ‘stupidity’ and asking that the discount they enjoyed on their jizya tax be scrapped in penance. The surveillance camera burkas are expected to be applied within the coming days.

Some critics of the plans have stated that the burka will reduce the level of visibility that camera operators will have. With just a narrow slit across the camera lens, it has been suggested that up to 95% of the resulting image will be black. However, civil rights groups have scolded such criticisms.

Connie Fergus who is head of the ‘Liberty for Tyranny’ think-tank remarked on her twitter account: “How dare these Islamaphobic bigots impede on these people’s culture!” … “Have they not heard of the phrase, when in Brum, do as the Brummies do?”.

A Home Office spokeswoman under pressure from other Muslim communities across Britain said: ‘Work is already underway on CCTV regulation and the government will be bringing forward proposals to place burkas on all cameras where our hard working minorities might find offence. Naturally, Islam is a religion of peace and we condemn all hatred and intolerance against this peaceful and progressive section of our society”.

The most startling piece of evidence that has been leaked by the American Psycho Association, an organization believed to be closely monitoring the president, is the many months Mr Obama has been spending in his private swimming pool beneath the White House. Sources suggest the president has been trying to perfect the technique of walking on water but has so far found little success. Doctors are concerned that the disappointment of this failure is sending Mr Obama further into a state of psychosis.

Another situation that has experts worried is the president’s apparent lack of concern over the Deepwater Horizon oil spill which occurred recently in the Gulf of Mexico on April 20, 2010. As environmentalists, scientists, concerned citizens and BP try to find ways to stem the flow, Barack Obama has instead been playing rounds of golf and attending concerts by ageing rockers. When he did manage to visit the coast most affected by the oil spill, he spent most of the time waving to the crowds and asking whether the tar balls washing up on the beaches could be used in the creation of new basketballs.

One mental health expert suggested in a local Florida newspaper that the president might be suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD. The expert stated there were five main symptoms of NPD and that Mr Obama showed symptoms of each one.

“The president is obviously suffering from the 5 symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and these include being 1) a charlatan, 2) an exhibitionist, 3) imbued with avoidance features, 4) elitist and 5) paranoid.” wrote the expert.

He continued: “We can see all five symptoms manifesting themselves in Obama, such as the deception over his Islamic religion, his penchant for flexing his muscles to pretty ladies, his disdain of Massachusetts cops and his avoidance of the British Prime Minister which also leads into paranoia. Political contacts have suggested that Mr Obama is seeking a new defence strategy to be employed in case the British try to invade the United States after what he sees as an opening salvo from BP. This is utter lunacy of course, especially after seeing England’s leaking flotilla in the soccer match last week”.

President Barack Obama is sure to be aware of the growing concern over his mental health. It’s uncertain whether his private doctors will be able to relieve some of the symptoms long enough for America’s first black president to see out the the rest of his presidential term. Some insiders are believed to be asking Hollywood actor Jamie Foxx to act as an impersonation of Mr Obama should his mental state hit rock bottom.

World Cup organisers and local police have placed wanted posters of what they believe is the origin of the constant buzzing sound. A nameless biker has been riding from city to city across South Africa and circling the stadiums whilst the important group stages matches are playing out. Despite critics noting that the buzz is created by thousands of vuvuzelas, the local authorities are instead blaming the noise on a single individual. The suspect was captured on camera a couple of days ago whilst speeding away from the Polokwane Stadium in Limpopo province.

The suspect is described as white, portly and riding a dirty black motorcycle. His nationality is unknown. Whilst the ‘vuvuzela bandit’ as the media have labelled him continues to remain a mystery, some in South Africa are offering possible identities to who the obnoxious noise maker might be. A journalist for the little known Zuma Times has speculated that the biker is a Mr James Corden, a B-list celebrity in England who after a spat with Star Trek actor Sir Patrick Stewart, lost his mind and went berserk across the Rainbow Nation.

Some experts in Britain believe however that the mystery biker is in fact a ploy to reflect attention away from the thousands of cheap plastic vuvuzelas being sold in South African cities. Television footage also shows fans from all nations blowing on the horns inside the stadiums which leaves little doubt in many people’s minds that they are the real culprit. The search continues.

Thousands of football fans worldwide have complained about the drone of the vuvuzelas, which have been described as like a swarm of bees or a pregnant water buffalo in labour. Some angry football fans have claimed the endless noise is worse than their wives’ nagging and want to hear the offensive sound silenced as well as the vuvuzelas.

One complaint read “What an absolutely disgraceful, ear-wrenching noise,” whilst another said “Gordon Brown’s Scottish drawl wasn’t half as bad as this racket”.

A website called Ban Vuvusela has even been set up where football fans and desperate housewives can vote on whether they want to see the horns banned from future matches. At the time of writing, the ‘Votes to Ban’ enormously outnumber those of the ‘Votes to Keep’. It’s not hard to assume that latter votes come from proud South Africans and the deaf.

However, FIFA president Sepp Blatter has called on the vuvuzelas to continue and accused those with bleeding ears of discrimination against Africans. World Cup organisers have also joined the chorus of those in favour of keeping the horns, claiming the plastic instruments as being a “potent symbol of the tournament” and a good way to drown out the sound of rape alarms beeping across the cities.

It remains to be seen whether the vuvuzelas will be banned from football stadiums, like they are from South African rugby stadiums. With more and more people switching off due to the racket, it’s certain that unless action is taken, there will be a large increase of anusimpedimentia cases referred to local hospitals.

Ismail Hernia, a leading Hamas official has declared to the media that the £19 million will be invested in bringing Japanese Sumo wrestling coaches to the Gaza Strip. Puzzled journalists were told that ten of the top Sumo experts from Japan will be invited over as well as the purchasing of thousands of Sumo loincloths which will be converted to bomb belts.

Middle East and Hamas experts are predicting a new intifada in the coming months, probably in parallel with an Israeli strike on Iran’s nuclear plants. The investment in Sumo coaching is believed to be a new offensive element in the Palestinian’s plans to wipe out the state of Israel. Thousands of Gazan men will be fattened up with the excess food delivered weekly to the Strip and trained in the art of wrestling their opponents to the ground. The martyrs would aim to sit on and suffocate as many of the enemy as possible before blowing themselves up.

The brains behind the latest Hamas initiative is Sheik Yunus al-Wacky who came up with the idea when watching Hamas senior members dining at the exclusive Gaza City hotel. Britain has yet to respond to the decision but it’s expected they will offer cautionary advice to both sides to avoid violence, confrontation and anything which could put a heavy burden on the Middle East peace process.

Israel has refused to comment on the possibility of hundreds of half-naked and obese Arabs running over the border. They are however making contingency plans to strengthen bomb shelters and buildings for fear the act of shiko (the traditional sumo leg stomping) could weaken walls and foundations.

Human chorionic gonadotropin’s usual role is to keep intact the corpus luteum of the ovary and therefore maintain progesterone production. This is vital for pregnancy in humans. However, it’s also been used in conjunction with anabolic androgenic steroids in athletes and has been put on the list of banned substances in various sports. The most recent case was that of Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez who was suspended for 50 games by the US Baseball Authorities.

When sportsmen take certain steroids, the amount of testosterone their testicles produce can dramatically decrease and even shut down completely. This can lead to shrinkage of the testes and become what is scientifically referred to as testicular atrophy. As one can imagine, the reduction in a man’s love sacks can have terrible repercussions on his marriage and self-confidence.

One of the only ways to re-ignite the engines, so to speak, is to take doses of hCG, or human chorionic gonadotropin. This mimics the naturally occurring luteinizing hormone. However, if a man takes too much over a period of time or becomes addicted, then his testicles can increase in size. This can lead to increased emotional turmoil and anger levels, as well as difficulty walking, sitting and relaxing. If not treated, the addiction can result in testicular fulmination.

Suspected cases of addiction to this chemical have been reported worldwide, including in the halls of Hollywood. Jack Nicholson was seen in a high state of tension recently in Los Angeles and fans packed online messages boards worried by his bulging trousers. In London, another case was suspected at a football match between Chelsea and Barcelona where the Ivorian striker Didier Drogba was seen to be livid with match referee Tom Henning Ovrebo.

Doctors are said to be monitoring the situations of both men. The World Health Conference will be producing a detailed document on the situation in the coming weeks but have advised wives, girlfriends and mothers to keep an eye on any unusual behaviour or growths in their menfolk.

As Swine Flu fever hits the nightclubs of Afghanistan, the head keeper of the national zoo has had to move Khanzir into quarantine. In a nation where pork chops are illegal and pigs as rare as a woman’s bare face, there has been a lot of confusion and fear amongst the general population.

As Aziz Gul Saqib, the zoo’s director put it: “The only reason we moved him was because Afghan people don’t have a lot of knowledge about swine flu, and so when they see a pig they get worried and think they will get ill.”

An elderly gentleman who was visiting the zoo said: “These pigs all have the flu, you can see their noses running when you watch them on Al Geographic Channel. I don’t want my grandsons coming here with this dirty ill creature roaming around. We had a hard enough time getting our womenfolk quarantined. I say kill it, it is Allah’s will!”

Khanzir the lonely pig was given to Kabul Zoo by China in 2002. His zoo keepers are hoping his forced isolation will only be a temporary solution that will last no longer than a few days. The director hopes that they can soon find a female mate for the frisky pig but the H1N1 virus is likely to delay this action.

“It is a dangerous and difficult time to get a new pig for our pig”: said one of the keepers. “Ideally we’d like to get him four.”

Mr Savage, whose real name is Michael Alan Weiner, has become the 22nd person to be listed as persona non grata in the land of the Magna Carta. The boisterous radio show host has however come out fighting by labelling the British Home Secretary Jacqui Smith a “lunatic”.

“To link me up with skinheads who are killing people in Russia, to put me in league with Hamas murderers who kill people on buses is defamation,” he said.

This latest incident comes soon after the banning of Dutch politician Geert Wilders from entering the United Kingdom in February of this year. Like Wilders, Michael Savage has also been a strong critic of Islam and once described the Koran as “a book of hate”.

It’s thought the British government has come under pressure from numerous minority groups to ban certain individuals from exercising their right to free speech. One of these groups is the Buddhist Sisterhood, known for their violent protests and acts of nudity in public places. When they threw their sandals at Buckingham Palace, it’s thought the final straw had been placed. Now the Prime Minister Gordon Brown invites them to tea every Thursday.

Michael Savage joins a long list of banned foreigners including the ex-Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard Stephen ‘Don’ Black, neo-Nazi Erich Gliebe, Hamas MP Yunis Al-Astal, Jewish extremist Mike Guzovsky and former US President George W. Bush.

“What does that say about the government of England? It says more about them than it says about me.” opined Mr Savage in an interview. The American talk show host is planning to sue the British government but lawyers have warned it would be difficult for Mr Weiner to do this.