World Cup organisers and local police have placed wanted posters of what they believe is the origin of the constant buzzing sound. A nameless biker has been riding from city to city across South Africa and circling the stadiums whilst the important group stages matches are playing out. Despite critics noting that the buzz is created by thousands of vuvuzelas, the local authorities are instead blaming the noise on a single individual. The suspect was captured on camera a couple of days ago whilst speeding away from the Polokwane Stadium in Limpopo province.

The suspect is described as white, portly and riding a dirty black motorcycle. His nationality is unknown. Whilst the ‘vuvuzela bandit’ as the media have labelled him continues to remain a mystery, some in South Africa are offering possible identities to who the obnoxious noise maker might be. A journalist for the little known Zuma Times has speculated that the biker is a Mr James Corden, a B-list celebrity in England who after a spat with Star Trek actor Sir Patrick Stewart, lost his mind and went berserk across the Rainbow Nation.

Some experts in Britain believe however that the mystery biker is in fact a ploy to reflect attention away from the thousands of cheap plastic vuvuzelas being sold in South African cities. Television footage also shows fans from all nations blowing on the horns inside the stadiums which leaves little doubt in many people’s minds that they are the real culprit. The search continues.

The Mexican-born actress picked up the baby immediately upon hearing of the mother’s plight and began breastfeeding it despite the presence of several media camera crews. Sierra Leone has one of the highest rates of infant mortality in the world and the sexy actress later said:

“The baby was perfectly healthy, but the mother did not have any milk. He was very hungry – I was weaning my daughter Valentina, but I still had a lot of milk, so I breastfed the baby. It was amazing because he was really looking at me and he’s very little. My baby is one year so he can suck a lot harder.”

Salma Hayek recently admitted in a newspaper interview last November that she was addicted to breastfeeding her daughter and that the possibility of professional rehabilitation was not off the cards.

“I’m like an alcoholic. It is like, I don’t care if I cry, I don’t care if I am fat, I am just going to do it for one more week, one more month, and then when I see how much good it is doing her and I can’t stop.”

Offers of support for the big bosomed actress have come from far and wide. Female fans have inquired as to whether she is officially for hire as a wet-nurse whilst legions of male fans have described their poverty stricken voids of hunger and begged for her assistance.

One of the most well known figures to have got in touch is the Scottish socialist politician George Galloway who wrote a detailed letter regarding the possibility of being breast fed by Salma Hayek. The Respect Party MP was widely ridiculed in 2006 for his Big Brother appearance where he took the role of a cat licking imaginary cream from the cupped hands of actress Rula Lenska.

The reasons for Galloway’s desire to be breastfed by the buxom star have not yet come to light but many critics of the Saddam Hussein-admiring firebrand have suggested it could be something to do with the beginning of the 5,000-mile journey to Gaza to deliver humanitarian aid, that he has helped organise. The Arabist Scot has delighted in reassuring the British population of an “intifada sweeping Britain”.

It’s thought the donated milk from Salma Hayek, which would be consumed by George Galloway, will be able to fuel his confrontational rhetoric for the entire 17 days of the journey from London to the Egypt-Gaza border.

A spokesman for the actress has refused to pass comment on the speculation. In other related news, Lancashire police stopped several suspicious vehicles near Preston which are said to be connected to the Gaza mission. In the boot of one of the cars was found Hazel Blears, the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, who detectives have suggested was being kept as an alternative in case the Hayek offer was rejected.

Sceptics claim that the Ethiopians are trying to follow in the footsteps of their southern neighbour Kenya, who have a legitimate connection to the newly elected US president Barack Obama on his paternal side. Both the Kenyan and Eritrean governments were quick to squash the rumours regarding Queen Elizabeth as ‘absolute and crazy nonsense’.

However, an English historian who has chosen to remain anonymous said it could well be possible. Speaking from Addis Ababa airport, he said:

“I think there is a case to be made that Queen Elizabeth II is in fact partly Ethiopian. From the documents I have seen today, it is apparent that her ancestor King Edward VII had had a hushed up sexual relationship with an albino woman from a remote village in the northern mountain ranges of Ethiopia. If we can get some DNA from her majesty and begin some tests then I think we would establish this claim as a fact beyond any doubt”.

Scientists have often studied the features of the long reigning English queen. Some German biologists pointed out in 1985, that her mouth and cheeks were not typical of the northern European facial structure. French hair salons and famous stylists have often been silenced for mentioning the incredible lengths the monarch goes to in order to take the tiny curls out of her hair.

Paris hair dresser Paul Prideux, who was once her personal stylist, said in a radio interview last year:

“It is impossible! Impossible! ‘er ‘air is like a golli… er… an African! No more I tell you. She must get ‘nother ‘airdresser!”

Buckingham Palace has yet to comment on the speculation but is expected to issue a denial in the coming days. If the claims prove to be true it could mark a major change in British-Ethiopian relations. Some royal experts and supporters even think it could mark a revival in pro-monarchist sentiments amongst the usually hostile Liberal-Left, Socialists and the BBC who would warmly welcome an ethnic minority Commander-in-Chief. Somalia, who has been in conflict with Ethiopia, is said to be worried about the possible repercussions of a future alliance of a major Western power with its enemy.

The two nations are awaiting further developments with much interest.