Event organisers including King Gordon Pendragon (formerly known as “that bastard in No.10″) and Butterfly Hazel admitted puzzlement as to why the numbers were much lower than the record-breaking 2009 gathering. Some have suggested the cooler than normal weather conditions as being a factor but sources close to King Gordon Pendragon admit the new influx of Liberal Democrats attending the event has soured the atmosphere for many previous attendees.

A former Stonehenge devotee, now in his late 70s, stated in a local Wiltshire newspaper the reason for his absence this year: “I ain’t a quiddle but it’s become all a nunny-fudge with them there Liberal Democrats comin’ with their zammy lot n’ spoilin’ what used to be a deedy n’ docy event”.

The entire Liberal Democrat party descended on Stonehenge this morning in order to, as their spokesman put it, “reconnect with Nature”. Chris Huhne was the only absentee, having already done his bit for Mother Nature with PR woman Carina Trimingham. Some reports also suggest that little Sarah Teather could have been offered as a sacrifice although English Heritage, the custodian of the Stonehenge site, are currently unaware of any such incidents.

A number of arrests were made overnight in relation to minor disorder and alcohol related offences and one person taken to hospital with a stray vuvuzela horn stuck up a bodily orifice. Organisers deemed the event a success albeit with a lower turn out. David Laws is expected to make a full recovery.

The omens for England looked bad when just ten minutes after the kick-off, a South African bird landed on the Algerian goal netting and began to admire the action. As Rooney and Heskey tried to find ways past the mundane Algerian defence, the bird did not appear to look unduly worried about the possibility of having to vacate its new home. The most humiliating moment came at half-time, when realising the sides would swap ends, the bird upped and flew across to the opposite goal netting.

Both teams were dire and after the match, it was deemed that the man-of-the-match be the anonymous bird that had provided so much entertainment to South African and Algerian fans in the stadium. Unfortunately, the bird was not able to pick up its reward after going missing. FIFA are apparently launching an enquiry against the England Football Association regarding the missing bird, with Rooney seen spitting feathers after walking off the pitch in disgust.

Sceptics claim that the Ethiopians are trying to follow in the footsteps of their southern neighbour Kenya, who have a legitimate connection to the newly elected US president Barack Obama on his paternal side. Both the Kenyan and Eritrean governments were quick to squash the rumours regarding Queen Elizabeth as ‘absolute and crazy nonsense’.

However, an English historian who has chosen to remain anonymous said it could well be possible. Speaking from Addis Ababa airport, he said:

“I think there is a case to be made that Queen Elizabeth II is in fact partly Ethiopian. From the documents I have seen today, it is apparent that her ancestor King Edward VII had had a hushed up sexual relationship with an albino woman from a remote village in the northern mountain ranges of Ethiopia. If we can get some DNA from her majesty and begin some tests then I think we would establish this claim as a fact beyond any doubt”.

Scientists have often studied the features of the long reigning English queen. Some German biologists pointed out in 1985, that her mouth and cheeks were not typical of the northern European facial structure. French hair salons and famous stylists have often been silenced for mentioning the incredible lengths the monarch goes to in order to take the tiny curls out of her hair.

Paris hair dresser Paul Prideux, who was once her personal stylist, said in a radio interview last year:

“It is impossible! Impossible! ‘er ‘air is like a golli… er… an African! No more I tell you. She must get ‘nother ‘airdresser!”

Buckingham Palace has yet to comment on the speculation but is expected to issue a denial in the coming days. If the claims prove to be true it could mark a major change in British-Ethiopian relations. Some royal experts and supporters even think it could mark a revival in pro-monarchist sentiments amongst the usually hostile Liberal-Left, Socialists and the BBC who would warmly welcome an ethnic minority Commander-in-Chief. Somalia, who has been in conflict with Ethiopia, is said to be worried about the possible repercussions of a future alliance of a major Western power with its enemy.

The two nations are awaiting further developments with much interest.

The 19-stone former bricklayer in fact owes his very existence today to the copious amounts of bacon butties and pork pies he and his former co-workers enjoyed every lunch time and on the football terraces each weekend. The pensioner’s size and weight meant the sofa’s jaws were unable to completely swallow the 65-year-old and instead he was left half consumed on his living room floor.

“It was terrifying just lying there for so long and not being able to do anything about it. I honestly thought my days were numbered.”

Sixty hours after the incident, a local resident worried by the drawn curtains, came peering through the letter box. The resulting cries and curses led the nosey neighbour to call the emergency services. Chronic back problems meant Joe could not extract himself from under the upholstered beast. He had no food and relied solely on a half-full whisky bottle to provide fluids.

Ambulance crews took the poor pensioner to hospital where he was to spend the next 5 days recovering. Police found that the sofa was deceased, apparently from suffocation. Possible motives for the attack include the lack of edibles dropped in recent weeks due to Joe’s new diet and fitness regime.

UK authorities are warning the general public to keep a glass of water and biscuits by their larger items of furniture.