Ismail Hernia, a leading Hamas official has declared to the media that the £19 million will be invested in bringing Japanese Sumo wrestling coaches to the Gaza Strip. Puzzled journalists were told that ten of the top Sumo experts from Japan will be invited over as well as the purchasing of thousands of Sumo loincloths which will be converted to bomb belts.

Middle East and Hamas experts are predicting a new intifada in the coming months, probably in parallel with an Israeli strike on Iran’s nuclear plants. The investment in Sumo coaching is believed to be a new offensive element in the Palestinian’s plans to wipe out the state of Israel. Thousands of Gazan men will be fattened up with the excess food delivered weekly to the Strip and trained in the art of wrestling their opponents to the ground. The martyrs would aim to sit on and suffocate as many of the enemy as possible before blowing themselves up.

The brains behind the latest Hamas initiative is Sheik Yunus al-Wacky who came up with the idea when watching Hamas senior members dining at the exclusive Gaza City hotel. Britain has yet to respond to the decision but it’s expected they will offer cautionary advice to both sides to avoid violence, confrontation and anything which could put a heavy burden on the Middle East peace process.

Israel has refused to comment on the possibility of hundreds of half-naked and obese Arabs running over the border. They are however making contingency plans to strengthen bomb shelters and buildings for fear the act of shiko (the traditional sumo leg stomping) could weaken walls and foundations.

So what is the history of the Negev city and who lives there?

Sderot was founded in 1951 and was then just a small town next to the Gevim-Dorot transit camp. Kurdish and Persian refugees made up most of the first batch of settlers who lived in tents and shacks for four years before more permanent buildings were constructed in 1954.

Over the next few years, many more immigrants would arrive, particularly from Morocco and Romania. With the increased population, Sderot was declared as a local council in 1958. During the 1990′s, the town’s size doubled with the arrival of thousands of people from the then Soviet Union. In 1996, Sderot was formally declared as a city.

The city lies just one kilometre from the Gaza Strip border which is the biggest reason why it has borne the brunt of continued Islamic aggression. Since the year 2000, which was the start of the Second Intifada, Sderot has been under constant rocket barrage. Between June 2007 and February 2008, a total of 771 rockets and 857 mortar bombs were hurled at the city and surrounding areas, which is an average of four each and every day.

This unimaginable stress has caused both physical and emotional damage, as well as a population drain. Around 20% of the city’s population, mainly the middle classes, have left. Close to 30% of people suffer from post traumatic stress disorder.

The construction of bomb shelters and the implementation of the “Red Color” alarm system, which warns of incoming missiles, has done much to save lives but it’s still an awful position for any civilian population to be in.

The Mexican-born actress picked up the baby immediately upon hearing of the mother’s plight and began breastfeeding it despite the presence of several media camera crews. Sierra Leone has one of the highest rates of infant mortality in the world and the sexy actress later said:

“The baby was perfectly healthy, but the mother did not have any milk. He was very hungry – I was weaning my daughter Valentina, but I still had a lot of milk, so I breastfed the baby. It was amazing because he was really looking at me and he’s very little. My baby is one year so he can suck a lot harder.”

Salma Hayek recently admitted in a newspaper interview last November that she was addicted to breastfeeding her daughter and that the possibility of professional rehabilitation was not off the cards.

“I’m like an alcoholic. It is like, I don’t care if I cry, I don’t care if I am fat, I am just going to do it for one more week, one more month, and then when I see how much good it is doing her and I can’t stop.”

Offers of support for the big bosomed actress have come from far and wide. Female fans have inquired as to whether she is officially for hire as a wet-nurse whilst legions of male fans have described their poverty stricken voids of hunger and begged for her assistance.

One of the most well known figures to have got in touch is the Scottish socialist politician George Galloway who wrote a detailed letter regarding the possibility of being breast fed by Salma Hayek. The Respect Party MP was widely ridiculed in 2006 for his Big Brother appearance where he took the role of a cat licking imaginary cream from the cupped hands of actress Rula Lenska.

The reasons for Galloway’s desire to be breastfed by the buxom star have not yet come to light but many critics of the Saddam Hussein-admiring firebrand have suggested it could be something to do with the beginning of the 5,000-mile journey to Gaza to deliver humanitarian aid, that he has helped organise. The Arabist Scot has delighted in reassuring the British population of an “intifada sweeping Britain”.

It’s thought the donated milk from Salma Hayek, which would be consumed by George Galloway, will be able to fuel his confrontational rhetoric for the entire 17 days of the journey from London to the Egypt-Gaza border.

A spokesman for the actress has refused to pass comment on the speculation. In other related news, Lancashire police stopped several suspicious vehicles near Preston which are said to be connected to the Gaza mission. In the boot of one of the cars was found Hazel Blears, the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, who detectives have suggested was being kept as an alternative in case the Hayek offer was rejected.

What's on the menu?

Turkish Prime Minister Recep Erdogan’s wife was left in tears today as her husband walked off the stage at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland. His red face and hunched shoulders made clear his fury to the rest of the panel and stunned audience members, including US President Barack Obama’s close adviser Valerie Jarrett.

Erdogan’s ire came after having to sit next to Israeli President Shimon Peres with whom he avoided eye contact throughout the hour long session. Anger levels were then increased when Peres gave a speech regarding Israel’s accounts of the the Gaza Strip conflict. The furious Turk could barely control himself and was seen huffing and puffing along with fellow panellist Amr Moussa, the former Egyptian foreign minister who now leads the Arab League.

However, it was shortly after Peres had finished his speech that the confusion began. The forum moderator, Washington Post columnist David Ignatius, was told through an earpiece  that it was “time for Turkey”. Before the Turkish leader had a chance to start a monologue, Ignatius announced:

“Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve just been told that dinner will be served in a few moments, therefore I will give each panellist a minute to sum up their previous statements.”

An exasperated Recep Erdogan jumped to his feet and pointed a finger at the Israeli President saying:

“I remember two former prime ministers in your country who said they felt very happy when they were able to enter Palestine on tanks. I find it very sad that people applaud what you said. There have been many people killed. And I think that it is very wrong and it is not humanitarian.”

Ignatius then said: “We can’t start the debate again. We just don’t have time.”

Erdogan: “Please let me finish.”

Ignatius responded: “We really do need to get people to dinner.”

“Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I don’t think I will come back to Davos after this.” blasted back the Turkish premier.

Prime Minister Erdogan then walked off the stage to later be consolled by Arm Moussa and forum founder Klaus Schwab. Many of the assembled guests and media were left shocked by the raised voices at the elite gathering of corporate and world leaders. Former Norwegian Prime Minister Kjell Magne Bondevik was said to be upset at the ruffling of feathers over such a delicate matter.

“I intentionally say this here – Hamas is a terrorist movement and it has to be denounced as such.”

It’s not every day that a European Union, United Nations or Human Rights group official openly condemns Hamas and calls it what is really is. Louis Michel, European Commissioner for Development and Humanitarian Aid, did just this.

He then went on to say: “Public opinion is fed up to see that we are paying over and over again – be it the [European] commission, the member states or the major donors – for infrastructure that will be systematically destroyed,”

You bet we are Mr Michel! European tax payers money is being pumped into a terrorist enclave which results in further attacks by Islamist terror groups on a peace seeking democracy. Israel is sick of aiding and feeding the very people who seek her demise too.

Hamas said it was “shocked” at his comments. They weren’t the only ones but for differing reasons.

Unfortunately, as would be expected, a number of onlookers are questioning the reasons for Mr Michel’s correct annaysis. This includes questions as to his heritage.