Admin: Indeed. The interesting fact in all this is the rise in the number of men seeking help at specialist units set up for just such problems. Approximately 65% more calls were made to the FMU (Forced Marriage Unit) this year than the previous. The young men are often forced into marriage because their family suspect or know that they are homosexual.

Doyle: That means the family’s honour is at stake which is an extremely important aspect of many South Asian societies. So much so, that many would prefer their children to be killed than reveal a secret that we in the West would barely bat an eyelid to.

Dijkstra: I guess this is a big issue and rallying point amongst British lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people?

Admin: No.

Read more: Specialist unit reports more male forced marriages. (BBC)

It may be, of course, a coincidence that the candidates, Diane Abbott MP and Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, a newspaper columnist, are both from ethnic minorities.

The rather taciturn ‘may be’, a useful get out of jail card, in this case highlights the seemingly convinced mind, behind the wording, regarding the guilt of the accused. A little later into the paragraph, linked to above, another nail in the coffin is nailed with the semi-cliché ‘a coincidence too far’.

The final paragraph of Spencer’s article is the one that caused most surprise however where he refers to Ms Abbott’s recent scolding on the BBC’s This Week.

And finally, by the way, what if it were true – what if West Indian mums do love their children more than the average, as measured by race? Neither Murray or Neil consider that possibility, which is a much more interesting question.

I wonder if he would have even dared put down in writing a contemplation, however weakly, of whether white mothers love their children more than black mothers? I highly doubt it. Remember Rod Liddle anyone?

Yasmin Alibhai-Brown is of course the women who accuses all non-white right-wingers as “Uncle Toms” and says ‘indigenous Britons’ deep down, want to tear ethnic minorities to pieces. You can read more of her diatribes here. Ugandan-born Alibhai-Brown, by the way, was given welcome sanctuary in Britain just before the expulsion of Ugandan Asians by Idi Amin.

Diane Abbott is the woman who claimed “blonde, blue-eyed Finnish girls” might be unsuitable to work in London hospitals because “may never have met a black person before”. Then of course there’s her more recent “West Indian mums will go to the wall for their children” in which she included herself in that category. This from a woman who was born in Paddington, London.

Update: You can read Douglas Murray’s reply to Richard Spencer here.

When interviewed about the cameras last year, local Muslim Councillor Salma Yaboob shrieked: “Residents have lost faith with the Zionist authorities for their sneaky handling of the matter! The Ummah will not be reassured until they have been told the locations of the hidden cameras too”.

A local Imam had a further problem with the surveillance cameras. Choosing to remain anonymous, the Islamic leader said through an interpreter: “These cameras … they should be covered up. Or moved. Our young are taken advantage of. My son and his son and his son after him, they are all menaced by these uncovered cameras! They provoke … they are provocative … they move their heads around when people walk by. They titillate … yes … they flirt and titillate with my son and his son and his son after him … they must be covered!”

Local council leaders and police have profusely apologised for the naked cameras found in Muslim areas of Birmingham. They have also written to local mosques explaining their ’stupidity’ and asking that the discount they enjoyed on their jizya tax be scrapped in penance. The surveillance camera burkas are expected to be applied within the coming days.

Some critics of the plans have stated that the burka will reduce the level of visibility that camera operators will have. With just a narrow slit across the camera lens, it has been suggested that up to 95% of the resulting image will be black. However, civil rights groups have scolded such criticisms.

Connie Fergus who is head of the ‘Liberty for Tyranny’ think-tank remarked on her twitter account: “How dare these Islamaphobic bigots impede on these people’s culture!” … “Have they not heard of the phrase, when in Brum, do as the Brummies do?”.

A Home Office spokeswoman under pressure from other Muslim communities across Britain said: ‘Work is already underway on CCTV regulation and the government will be bringing forward proposals to place burkas on all cameras where our hard working minorities might find offence. Naturally, Islam is a religion of peace and we condemn all hatred and intolerance against this peaceful and progressive section of our society”.

Mr Savage, whose real name is Michael Alan Weiner, has become the 22nd person to be listed as persona non grata in the land of the Magna Carta. The boisterous radio show host has however come out fighting by labelling the British Home Secretary Jacqui Smith a “lunatic”.

“To link me up with skinheads who are killing people in Russia, to put me in league with Hamas murderers who kill people on buses is defamation,” he said.

This latest incident comes soon after the banning of Dutch politician Geert Wilders from entering the United Kingdom in February of this year. Like Wilders, Michael Savage has also been a strong critic of Islam and once described the Koran as “a book of hate”.

It’s thought the British government has come under pressure from numerous minority groups to ban certain individuals from exercising their right to free speech. One of these groups is the Buddhist Sisterhood, known for their violent protests and acts of nudity in public places. When they threw their sandals at Buckingham Palace, it’s thought the final straw had been placed. Now the Prime Minister Gordon Brown invites them to tea every Thursday.

Michael Savage joins a long list of banned foreigners including the ex-Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard Stephen ‘Don’ Black, neo-Nazi Erich Gliebe, Hamas MP Yunis Al-Astal, Jewish extremist Mike Guzovsky and former US President George W. Bush.

“What does that say about the government of England? It says more about them than it says about me.” opined Mr Savage in an interview. The American talk show host is planning to sue the British government but lawyers have warned it would be difficult for Mr Weiner to do this.

Doctor Vince Pawson, one of the world’s foremost experts in cat physiology has described it as the most worrying of modern medical events and warns people to take the advice of their local veterinarian.

“Soon, it is going to be inevitable that this will make headline news across the nation and indeed the world. While most cats will survive the loss of their tail, as long as the resulting wound is cared for, it will nevertheless alter the general balance and behaviour of our feline companions drastically.”

Animal charities and veterinary associations countrywide and abroad are soon to begin delivering leaflets to registered cat owners informing them of the spreading condition and its symptoms. It’s not believed as yet that other animals, including humans, will be affected but tests are ongoing.

There is however some positive news. The condition, if caught early, can be reversed. Pet owners will be advised to undertake certain exercises with their cats regardless of whether the animal shows common symptoms.

Below are five of the twenty-three preventative measures that the Lancashire Veterinary Council will soon release in detailed brochures, including diagrams and charts.

1. Massage the region above where the tail meets the cat’s back. Make gentle circular movements for around ten minutes at least three times a day. This simple action will promote blood flow to the area.

2. Check to see if the cat has impacted anal sacs. These are pea-sized sac-like structures located under the skin around the anus. Although rare, these sacs are liable to burst when the anal sphincter muscles are contracted and the resulting acid coat itself around the cat’s tail. This will lead to skin legions and the accelerated onset of the new condition. If found, then seek advice with your local vet immediately.

3. The lactic acid in the milk we drink is both softening and exfoliating. Numerous admirers of milk baths including Cleopatra and Queen Elizabeth I of England have attested to their healing benefits. It’s advisable to use the kitchen or bathroom sink when soaking your cat in ordinary cow’s milk. First dip the animal’s hind legs into the pre-heated milk before lowering the entire body and most importantly, the tail, under the surface. Do this once every day, however don’t let the cat drink the milk afterwards.

4. It’s important to keep the muscles around the bottom of the spine strong and nimble. Find a room in your house with lots of space and free of sharp edges like the corners of tables or bookshelves. For the first minute, kneel calmly with the cat and assure it with loving strokes and sounds. Then slowly stand, wrap your hands around the middle of the cat’s tail and start to swing the animal around the room. Aim to make at least three revolutions every four seconds before decreasing the speed as the exercise draws to a close. It’s advisable to wear a thick jacket and gloves for this action.

5. Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), also known as electroshock is a controversial psychiatric treatment. However, veterinarians have recently been looking into the possible short and long term effects the practice might have on the new condition. It is important to keep all children and family members with heart pacemakers installed in a different room if and when you decide to experiment on your cat. Further details of the equipment needed for this treatment is provided in Section B of the brochure however a 60W lamp has been found to work sufficiently.

The brochure, which will include these five points and eighteen more valuable and helpful tips for stopping your cat’s tail from falling off, is set to be published and made available to the public in March 2009.

The Mexican-born actress picked up the baby immediately upon hearing of the mother’s plight and began breastfeeding it despite the presence of several media camera crews. Sierra Leone has one of the highest rates of infant mortality in the world and the sexy actress later said:

“The baby was perfectly healthy, but the mother did not have any milk. He was very hungry – I was weaning my daughter Valentina, but I still had a lot of milk, so I breastfed the baby. It was amazing because he was really looking at me and he’s very little. My baby is one year so he can suck a lot harder.”

Salma Hayek recently admitted in a newspaper interview last November that she was addicted to breastfeeding her daughter and that the possibility of professional rehabilitation was not off the cards.

“I’m like an alcoholic. It is like, I don’t care if I cry, I don’t care if I am fat, I am just going to do it for one more week, one more month, and then when I see how much good it is doing her and I can’t stop.”

Offers of support for the big bosomed actress have come from far and wide. Female fans have inquired as to whether she is officially for hire as a wet-nurse whilst legions of male fans have described their poverty stricken voids of hunger and begged for her assistance.

One of the most well known figures to have got in touch is the Scottish socialist politician George Galloway who wrote a detailed letter regarding the possibility of being breast fed by Salma Hayek. The Respect Party MP was widely ridiculed in 2006 for his Big Brother appearance where he took the role of a cat licking imaginary cream from the cupped hands of actress Rula Lenska.

The reasons for Galloway’s desire to be breastfed by the buxom star have not yet come to light but many critics of the Saddam Hussein-admiring firebrand have suggested it could be something to do with the beginning of the 5,000-mile journey to Gaza to deliver humanitarian aid, that he has helped organise. The Arabist Scot has delighted in reassuring the British population of an “intifada sweeping Britain”.

It’s thought the donated milk from Salma Hayek, which would be consumed by George Galloway, will be able to fuel his confrontational rhetoric for the entire 17 days of the journey from London to the Egypt-Gaza border.

A spokesman for the actress has refused to pass comment on the speculation. In other related news, Lancashire police stopped several suspicious vehicles near Preston which are said to be connected to the Gaza mission. In the boot of one of the cars was found Hazel Blears, the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, who detectives have suggested was being kept as an alternative in case the Hayek offer was rejected.

Under the new law, which is expected to be given Royal assent, any and all mention of peace, reconciliation and pacifism could land the accused with a custodial sentence of more than twenty years followed by automatic deportation upon completion.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s spokesman has told the press that all Labour MPs are behind the bill as well as having cross bench support from the Liberal Democrats and some Conservatives. The Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is said to be aiming to get the bill passed as quickly as possible in time for the up-coming review of Britain’s role in the war in Iraq.

However, critics have complained that the possible new law goes against the very values and foundations of democracy and free speech. A UKIP parliamentarian who asked to remain anonymous said in an interview this morning:

“Democracy means differences and debate. It’s a very sad day when the UK bans an unsavoury but elected spiritual leader and outlaws the criticism of war. Pope Benedict might serve no other purpose but to offend with his words of peace but we still have a duty to let those we deem extreme have their say and that includes the general population as a whole.”

Foreign Secretary David Miliband told the BBC’s Hardtalk: “The home secretary made a decision on an individual case as she is required to do.”

Many newspapers have also supported the bill with The Guardian and The Independent among those most corroboratory. The Guardian’s ‘comment is free’ section has been filled with messages in agreement with the government’s plans. The chairman of the ‘Socialists for Equality’ group, which has connections to the Labour Party said:

“This is a wonderful new era for war, violence and freedom of speech. As has been said before, we are not allowed to cry ‘fire’ in a crowded cinema so why should people be allowed to incite peace with such barbaric messages of hope?”

Small protests have been planned by pacifists in a number of major British cities. They are expected to come in the form of mass sit-downs and tea parties on major roads and in cathedral squares.

The topic of conversation had steered through the minefields of the global economy and the speech by Australian premier Kevin Rudd which had taken place earlier the same day. After criticising Rudd, Clarkson went on to say of Brown:

‘(In the UK) we’ve got this one-eyed Scottish idiot, he keeps telling us everything’s fine and he’s saved the world and we know he’s lying, but he’s smooth at telling us.’

The remark caused consternation in the offices of the Royal National Cyclops Institute based in London. Chief executive of the RNCI, Polly Themus, angrily commented on the insensitivity that the popular presenter had shown to the thousands of suffers across the United Kingdom.

‘I’d be quite happy to show Mr Clarkson the positive contribution people with one eye can make to society.’

However, she was soon being ushered away by security guards as she brandished a razor blade and bared her teeth at a magazine image of the pot-bellied Top Gear star.

The BBC were quick to issue an apology for any offence caused especially in light of the recent blunders by the broadcasting corporation. A shocked Clarkson, who is paid £2million a year, also fell on his knees in sorrow and repentance:

‘In the heat of the moment I made a remark about the Prime Minister’s personal appearance for which, upon reflection, I apologise.’

Iain Gray, the Scottish Labour leader, said: ‘Such a comment is really a reflection on Jeremy Clarkson and speaks for itself. Most people here are proud that the Prime Minister is a Scot and believe him to be the right person to get the UK through this global economic crisis.’

Gordon Brown lost the sight in one eye during his teens when an accident occurred during a rugby match. He declined to comment on the situation but was said to be keeping an eye on developments.