Doyle: I think most pundits expected Argentina to cruise past Germany seeing as the Germans have had a suspect defence in recent matches. Argentina’s superior attackers should have given the opposing goalkeeper a lot more of a test.

Hibbert: Typical German efficiency and organisation which constantly see them hitting above their weight. On paper, you would not have expected Germany to reach the Semi-Finals but as with previous competitions, you just can’t rule out the Germans, ever.

You have to admit though that they do have some star players like Miroslav Klose, Bastian Schweinsteiger and the little heard of Thomas Müller.

Doyle: All great players but compared to the skills of Lionel Messi, Carlos Tévez and Gonzalo Higuaín, they are not in the same league. Argentina should have won.

Langton: You forgot to mention the young star Mesut Oezil. Brilliant player who has been the revelation of the whole tournament rather like Michael Owen back in the 1998 World Cup. A wonderful story of Germany’s modern and multicultural society. Kevin-Prince Boateng is another of these success stories.

Hibbert: Think you’ll find that it’s Jérôme Boateng, Kevin-Prince’s younger brother. Kevin-Prince Boateng actually plays for the Ghanaian national team. Apparently he decided at the last moment back in 2007, that he didn’t want to play for Germany and would instead play for Ghana. The two nations actually played one another in the group stages of this World Cup, with the two brothers facing one another on opposing sides. First time in World Cup history that this phenomenon has ever happened.

Langton: Sign of the times and a welcome one at that. Nations evolve and change and this should be seen as a good thing. Mesut Oezil of Turkish descent will soon become one of the greatest German players ever.

Pilcher: Yeah, just a shame he doesn’t care for the German anthem and recites the Koran instead.

Langton: Perhaps he can’t sing and your Islamaphobia is doing nothing for this discussion.

Doyle: Going back to the match. I was expecting Argentina to make a comeback in the second half but that never materialised. Germany in fact repeated the feat they carried off against England, where they made use of counter attacks, pace and highly functional team play. Three times in one World Cup tournament where they have scored four goals in one match. They have got to be favourites now, right?

I should think so but I still fancy Spain to finally reach the summit.

Langton: Can’t see it. This is Germany’s year. No doubt about it.

The omens for England looked bad when just ten minutes after the kick-off, a South African bird landed on the Algerian goal netting and began to admire the action. As Rooney and Heskey tried to find ways past the mundane Algerian defence, the bird did not appear to look unduly worried about the possibility of having to vacate its new home. The most humiliating moment came at half-time, when realising the sides would swap ends, the bird upped and flew across to the opposite goal netting.

Both teams were dire and after the match, it was deemed that the man-of-the-match be the anonymous bird that had provided so much entertainment to South African and Algerian fans in the stadium. Unfortunately, the bird was not able to pick up its reward after going missing. FIFA are apparently launching an enquiry against the England Football Association regarding the missing bird, with Rooney seen spitting feathers after walking off the pitch in disgust.

World Cup organisers and local police have placed wanted posters of what they believe is the origin of the constant buzzing sound. A nameless biker has been riding from city to city across South Africa and circling the stadiums whilst the important group stages matches are playing out. Despite critics noting that the buzz is created by thousands of vuvuzelas, the local authorities are instead blaming the noise on a single individual. The suspect was captured on camera a couple of days ago whilst speeding away from the Polokwane Stadium in Limpopo province.

The suspect is described as white, portly and riding a dirty black motorcycle. His nationality is unknown. Whilst the ‘vuvuzela bandit’ as the media have labelled him continues to remain a mystery, some in South Africa are offering possible identities to who the obnoxious noise maker might be. A journalist for the little known Zuma Times has speculated that the biker is a Mr James Corden, a B-list celebrity in England who after a spat with Star Trek actor Sir Patrick Stewart, lost his mind and went berserk across the Rainbow Nation.

Some experts in Britain believe however that the mystery biker is in fact a ploy to reflect attention away from the thousands of cheap plastic vuvuzelas being sold in South African cities. Television footage also shows fans from all nations blowing on the horns inside the stadiums which leaves little doubt in many people’s minds that they are the real culprit. The search continues.

Thousands of football fans worldwide have complained about the drone of the vuvuzelas, which have been described as like a swarm of bees or a pregnant water buffalo in labour. Some angry football fans have claimed the endless noise is worse than their wives’ nagging and want to hear the offensive sound silenced as well as the vuvuzelas.

One complaint read “What an absolutely disgraceful, ear-wrenching noise,” whilst another said “Gordon Brown’s Scottish drawl wasn’t half as bad as this racket”.

A website called Ban Vuvusela has even been set up where football fans and desperate housewives can vote on whether they want to see the horns banned from future matches. At the time of writing, the ‘Votes to Ban’ enormously outnumber those of the ‘Votes to Keep’. It’s not hard to assume that latter votes come from proud South Africans and the deaf.

However, FIFA president Sepp Blatter has called on the vuvuzelas to continue and accused those with bleeding ears of discrimination against Africans. World Cup organisers have also joined the chorus of those in favour of keeping the horns, claiming the plastic instruments as being a “potent symbol of the tournament” and a good way to drown out the sound of rape alarms beeping across the cities.

It remains to be seen whether the vuvuzelas will be banned from football stadiums, like they are from South African rugby stadiums. With more and more people switching off due to the racket, it’s certain that unless action is taken, there will be a large increase of anusimpedimentia cases referred to local hospitals.