Today is the third anniversary of Gilad Shalit’s capture by Islamist terrorists (Hamas) from the Gaza Strip. Shalit is a brave Israeli soldier who was just 19 years old when taken hostage. He is now 22 and is wanting to live in freedom and return to his family and friends.

To mark the 3rd year of his imprisonment, I am writing a series of poetry tweets from my profile on the social networking site Twitter. They will appear throughout the day and every now and then will be posted to this blog, each and every one of them. Please feel free to re-tweet all and every mini-poem as much as you like so as to make #Gilad a trending topic on Twitter today.

free-giladThey are as follows: (to be updated throughout the day)

listen carefully to the silence brave #Gilad for wrapped inside r the voices of Israel crying out your name,waiting,longing, for your return

do not count the passing years brave #Gilad,nor let the foreign soil your heart devour.The hills of Zion sing to you, their son, their lion.

Let the sweet song of Jerusalem fill your sleeping hours with comfort brave #Gilad , let the pride of your nation’s glory bring you peace.

the arms of Israel do not rest cold brave #Gilad but instead ache for the day of your return. Hope’s pendulous ticking will not wane.

Brave #Gilad , let not your heart break in dull despair, for in your solitude & gloom there is the air & love of Jerusalem watching over you

Brave #Gilad , warrior of the just. Feel the hand of Israel pressed against your heart & know her caring voice recites your name.

Thy prison roof confines thee brave #Gilad but let not your soul be troubled. The whole of Israel waits for their courageous son’s return.

Love and light to #Gilad flow, from the four corners of the earth. Let not the name of #Gilad fade nor his bravery be forgotten.

a flower plucked from Israel’s soil, by the hands of terrorist fiends. Shout out, be heard, let #Gilad hear his name!

Remember the bleak & lonely nights before that have encompassed you with dread. For brave #Gilad they never end but roll one into another

Your bravery has matched & even surpassed the greatest names of history young #Gilad. The people of the world must never forget.

when darkness falls this very night,take a moment,with a candle &whisper out to the lost soldier in the wilds of tyranny,”you are not alone”

Each star that graces the night sky is a voice of hope&comfort to the lost Israeli soldier #Gilad. Part the mists,let them shine,let him see

Brave #Gilad , a better dawn will come to you, when freedom will sing more beautifully than any birdsong. Israel’s son, focus on that day.

Time marches on, the tears of #Gilad ’s family continue to fall. But the love & hope for a lost Israeli soldier will never waver nor cease

A beacon shines brightly from the darkness of Gaza. #Gilad , a living light of youth & dignity, caged by those blind to humanity & liberty.

let the dawn of a summer day remind you of Israel’s flower, lost & alone in the wilderness of terror. #Gilad

dry the tears that fall dear child & look to Gaza where sits a brave soldier, #Gilad ,alone, carrying Israel’s honour on his young shoulders

Hamas have neither bravery nor honour. How much they must despise he, who shows their heinousness, by his mere silent presence. #Gilad

Let your prayers for #Gilad fly like birds into the skies above his place of captivity. A brave soldier, a lion, caged but with strong heart

If only for a moment in your day,think of #Gilad, the young but brave Israeli soldier held captive in the Gaza Strip.Alone with the darkness

Remember a time when in the crowds you felt alone. It is nothing compared to the brave soldier #Gilad who in enemy territory dwells alone.

By the border sing his name, #Gilad Shalit, billowing waves of sound across the Gaza Strip until your voices reach his ears.

Under the moonlight’s glistening stare rests the prison cell where #Gilad sleeps.Tonight,remember this brave soldier as stars begin to shine

Forget not the soldier #Gilad who fought for freedom’s gain nor the need to fling the Hamas tyranny from the face of the Earth.

when next you see a ray of sunshine casting its light on a morning dew drop. Think of #Gilad , trapped in captivity, longing for his release

Unclench your souls and let their light wrap around the shoulders of the #Gilad family. Their son, an inspiration to us all across the world

A mother’s soft weeping fills the lonely hours of the night. The grief of not knowing, the agony of ‘what if’. Brave #Gilad a son of Israel

Morning slips into afternoon but still a brave soldier remains captive. #Gilad who fought in defense of freedom,4that which we all hold dear

How swift life is, how short the funnels of togetherness can be. 3 years is too long, set #Gilad free!


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International health officials are looking into the possible worldwide growth of hCG addiction. Human Chorionic Gonadotropin, usually referred to by its initials, is a glycoprotein hormone which is produced by women during pregnancy. The World Health Conference which meets thrice yearly in California has expressed its deep concern over the growing rates of addiction amongst men of all ages.

Human chorionic gonadotropin’s usual role is to keep intact the corpus luteum of the ovary and therefore maintain progesterone production. This is vital for pregnancy in humans. However, it’s also been used in conjunction with anabolic androgenic steroids in athletes and has been put on the list of banned substances in various sports. The most recent case was that of Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez who was suspended for 50 games by the US Baseball Authorities.

When sportsmen take certain steroids, the amount of testosterone their testicles produce can dramatically decrease and even shut down completely. This can lead to shrinkage of the testes and become what is scientifically referred to as testicular atrophy. As one can imagine, the reduction in a man’s love sacks can have terrible repercussions on his marriage and self-confidence.

One of the only ways to re-ignite the engines, so to speak, is to take doses of hCG, or human chorionic gonadotropin. This mimics the naturally occurring luteinizing hormone. However, if a man takes too much over a period of time or becomes addicted, then his testicles can increase in size. This can lead to increased emotional turmoil and anger levels, as well as difficulty walking, sitting and relaxing. If not treated, the addiction can result in testicular fulmination.

mad-jack-nicholson-and-didier-drogbaSuspected cases of addiction to this chemical have been reported worldwide, including in the halls of Hollywood. Jack Nicholson was seen in a high state of tension recently in Los Angeles and fans packed online messages boards worried by his bulging trousers. In London, another case was suspected at a football match between Chelsea and Barcelona where the Ivorian striker Didier Drogba was seen to be livid with match referee Tom Henning Ovrebo.

Doctors are said to be monitoring the situations of both men. The World Health Conference will be producing a detailed document on the situation in the coming weeks but have advised wives, girlfriends and mothers to keep an eye on any unusual behaviour or growths in their menfolk.

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Afghanistan’s only known living pig has grown accustomed to being the only swine in the country. His playmates at the Kabul Zoo, including deer and goats, saw poor Khanzir as an oddity but accepted him into their herds. He ran, or rather trotted, as happily as a lonely pig could under the circumstances. However, porky, as the monkey’s called him, has now had to leave his friends behind.

As Swine Flu fever hits the nightclubs of Afghanistan, the head keeper of the national zoo has had to move Khanzir into quarantine. In a nation where pork chops are illegal and pigs as rare as a woman’s bare face, there has been a lot of confusion and fear amongst the general population.

khanzir-the-lonely-afghan-pigAs Aziz Gul Saqib, the zoo’s director put it: “The only reason we moved him was because Afghan people don’t have a lot of knowledge about swine flu, and so when they see a pig they get worried and think they will get ill.”

An elderly gentleman who was visiting the zoo said: “These pigs all have the flu, you can see their noses running when you watch them on Al Geographic Channel. I don’t want my grandsons coming here with this dirty ill creature roaming around. We had a hard enough time getting our womenfolk quarantined. I say kill it, it is Allah’s will!”

Khanzir the lonely pig was given to Kabul Zoo by China in 2002. His zoo keepers are hoping his forced isolation will only be a temporary solution that will last no longer than a few days. The director hopes that they can soon find a female mate for the frisky pig but the H1N1 virus is likely to delay this action.

“It is a dangerous and difficult time to get a new pig for our pig”: said one of the keepers. “Ideally we’d like to get him four.”

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Michael Savage the popular American talk-show host has been banned from entering the United Kingdom. The British Home Office has claimed the controversial conservative political commentator as being an individual who “provokes others to serious criminal acts and fostering hatred which might lead to inter-community violence”.

Mr Savage, whose real name is Michael Alan Weiner, has become the 22nd person to be listed as persona non grata in the land of the Magna Carta. The boisterous radio show host has however come out fighting by labelling the British Home Secretary Jacqui Smith a “lunatic”.

“To link me up with skinheads who are killing people in Russia, to put me in league with Hamas murderers who kill people on buses is defamation,” he said.

This latest incident comes soon after the banning of Dutch politician Geert Wilders from entering the United Kingdom in February of this year. Like Wilders, Michael Savage has also been a strong critic of Islam and once described the Koran as “a book of hate”.

It’s thought the British government has come under pressure from numerous minority groups to ban certain individuals from exercising their right to free speech. One of these groups is the Buddhist Sisterhood, known for their violent protests and acts of nudity in public places. When they threw their sandals at Buckingham Palace, it’s thought the final straw had been placed. Now the Prime Minister Gordon Brown invites them to tea every Thursday.

Michael Savage joins a long list of banned foreigners including the ex-Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard Stephen ‘Don’ Black, neo-Nazi Erich Gliebe, Hamas MP Yunis Al-Astal, Jewish extremist Mike Guzovsky and former US President George W. Bush.

“What does that say about the government of England? It says more about them than it says about me.” opined Mr Savage in an interview. The American talk show host is planning to sue the British government but lawyers have warned it would be difficult for Mr Weiner to do this.

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Cities of Israel: Sderot and the Rockets

by Edward on April 21, 2009

in Israel

The Israeli city of Sderot has been in the news a lot over the last few years due to the constant rocket barrage being directed from the Gaza Strip. Three children and many more adults have been killed since 2004 and hundreds wounded. Life is tough for the residents of the city who daily have to run to bomb shelters to escape the danger from Palestinian terrorists.

sderot-coat-of-armsSo what is the history of the Negev city and who lives there?

Sderot was founded in 1951 and was then just a small town next to the Gevim-Dorot transit camp. Kurdish and Persian refugees made up most of the first batch of settlers who lived in tents and shacks for four years before more permanent buildings were constructed in 1954.

Over the next few years, many more immigrants would arrive, particularly from Morocco and Romania. With the increased population, Sderot was declared as a local council in 1958. During the 1990’s, the town’s size doubled with the arrival of thousands of people from the then Soviet Union. In 1996, Sderot was formally declared as a city.

The city lies just one kilometre from the Gaza Strip border which is the biggest reason why it has borne the brunt of continued Islamic aggression. Since the year 2000, which was the start of the Second Intifada, Sderot has been under constant rocket barrage. Between June 2007 and February 2008, a total of 771 rockets and 857 mortar bombs were hurled at the city and surrounding areas, which is an average of four each and every day.

800px-sderot_-_a_qassam_rocket_is_displayed_in_sderot_town_hall_against_a_background_of_pictures_of_residents_killed_in_rocket_attacksThis unimaginable stress has caused both physical and emotional damage, as well as a population drain. Around 20% of the city’s population, mainly the middle classes, have left. Close to 30% of people suffer from post traumatic stress disorder.

The construction of bomb shelters and the implementation of the “Red Color” alarm system, which warns of incoming missiles, has done much to save lives but it’s still an awful position for any civilian population to be in.

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The start of Holocaust Remembrance Day began shortly after 8pm Israeli time today. The annual ceremony remembers the millions of Jews who perished in Nazi Europe from 1933 through to 1945. As the sun set over Jerusalem, hundreds of dignitaries and ambassadors from around the world gathered at the Yad Vashem Holocaust Memorial.

During the ceremony six torches were lit by survivors in recognition of the 6 million Jews who were killed in one of the worst genocides in human history. Two of these survivors were twin sisters who managed to live through the monstrous Auschwitz death camp and experiments by Dr. Joseph Mengele. Speeches were also made as well as low-key musical accompaniments.

holocaust-remembrance-day-2009-bibi

However, the memorial was slightly overshadowed by the events in the city of Geneva in Switzerland earlier in the day. The United Nations anti-racism conference saw the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as the keynote speaker, being the only head of state to attend. Whilst the conference aims to fight racism in all its forms, it is in fact merely a forum for anti-Semitism and attacks on Israel’s existence.

“The conference opening today in Geneva constitutes an acceptance of racism, rather than the fight against it, and its main speaker is Ahmadinejad, who calls for the annihilation of Israel and denies the Holocaust,” said Israeli President Shimon Peres.

New Prime Minister Binyamin Netnayahu followed by criticising the Swiss President Hans-Rudolf Merz who had met and shook hands with the Iranian tyrant.

“I turn to you, the Swiss president, and ask you: How can you meet someone who denies the Holocaust and wishes for a new holocaust to occur?”

A number of countries including the United States, Israel, Canada, Australia, Germany, Italy, the Netherlands, Poland and New Zealand had refused to go to Geneva at all. During the speech, many more delegates walked out minutes after Ahmadinejad began a racist tirade against Zionism and the Jewish State’s very being.

Afterwards, the United States deputy ambassador to the UN, Alejandro Wolff, said the speech was “inaccurate”, as well as showing disregard towards the UN, and “does a grave injustice to the Iranian nation and the Iranian people”.

The French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner had said before the conference started that if the meeting was to be a repetition of the intolerance and Jew hatred seen in Durban in 2001, then the French delegates would walk out. They were to do just that.

“The defence of human rights and the fight against all types of racism are too important for the United Nations not to unite against all forms of hate speech, against all perversion of this message. Faced with attitudes like that which the Iranian president has just adopted, no compromise is possible.” said Kouchner after Ahmadinejad’s speech.

At 10am tomorrow morning a siren will sound across Israel and for two minutes everything will come to a silent stand still as a mark of respect for those who died in the Holocaust.

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Zionism: A Brief Definition and History

by Edward on April 5, 2009

in Israel

The word “Zionism” is derived from the word Zion, which means the Land of Israel. Zionism is a national movement for the return of the Jewish people to their ancient homeland and the revival of Jewish sovereignty therein.

The father of the modern political Zionist movement is considered to be Theodor Herzl, the Austro-Hungarian journalist who was born in the city of Pest in modern day Hungary. However, the actual term “Zionism” was coined in 1890 by the writer and Jewish thinker, Nathan Birnbaum.

The modern Zionist movement was mainly constructed by secular Jews largely as a response to anti-Semitism in Europe and also in the Muslim-Arab World. For many ordinary Jews, the return to Zion had a long and deeply rooted religious aspect. In Jewish literature, sayings, prayers and songs, the links to Jerusalem, Zion and the Land of Israel are everywhere. The Jewish festivals, calenders, traditions and religious laws all have as their basis, the seasons and conditions of the Holy Land. Every Passover, Jews pray towards Jerusalem.

The Land of Israel was and is the only place that a Jewish homeland can be built. Here too, was a place where Jews could gain a sense of self-determination, self-defence and rejuvenate their language and culture.

The first Zionist Congress was held in Basel, Switzerland in 1897, which also marked the birth of the World Zionist Organization. There the members officially called for the restoration of the Jewish national home in Palestine for the first time. As Theodoe Herzl, the organiser of the meeting would later write in his diary:

“If I were to sum up the Congress in a word – which I shall take care not to publish – it would be this: At Basle I founded the Jewish State. If I said this out loud today I would be greeted by universal laughter. In five years perhaps, and certainly in fifty years, everyone will perceive it.”

There are a number of different strands of Zionism including Labor Zionism, Revisionist Zionism, Christian Zionism and Reform Zionism, but all hold vital the original Zionist values.

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A groom for Jhumki

by Edward on February 21, 2009

in Guest Post

“Professionally qualified working girl for Gaur Brahmin boy BE(E&C) pursuing MBA, Working MNC New Delhi earning Rs.6.5 Lacs p.a. 29yrs/6ft tall contact 01234567″

Jhumki sighed as her mother read out these details of a prospective husband from a matrimonial advertisement. Ever since she had finished her graduation or rather even before that, her entire extended family had only one thing on their mind. A groom for Jhumki!

It was only her parents to start with then bit by bit her grandparents joined in followed by her uncles and aunts, then came the neighbours and now it seemed the whole of India was actively looking for a prospective groom!!

In her mind she could see a vivid picture of the news channels, billboards and radio broadcasting that “Jhumki was eligible for marriage”

Her reverie was broken with her mum asking her what she thought of the aforementioned boy. She replied “uh-huh” and went off to the garden to have sometime to herself. Sitting in the garden she blamed the British for all her current problems. She wished she was born in an India of pre-British era. Thinking of this she dozed off in the garden chair.

***********************************************

Birds silhouetted against a setting sun, and two lovers underneath the peepal tree!! On a closer look it is Jhumki!! She looks quite different dressed seductively in a saree.

Jhumki, ” My dear let’s get married soon. I can’t bear to spend much time away from you”

Boy,“I wish, but, my parents won’t accept you. My parents are up-righteous and wouldn’t accept a girl from out of our caste.”

Jhumki, “but but…we still can, of course not the prajapati vivah (marriage) but the gandharva vivah (a live-in relationship not requiring consent of parents and considered legally the same as marriage). we can do the gandharva vivah!”

A loud boom woke her up from her day-dreams. A cat had jumped on a flower pot upsetting it and shattering her dreams.

“Yeah! blame the Brits!! they had to come n conquer us, put restrictions on our dressing, our cultures and then go back to their nation. yeah you got your live-in relationships and you leave us stuck here with not even a love marriage but arranged marriages!! Sheesh!”

Then and there Jhumki made a promise to herself I will have a love marriage and to a guy I want to marry not a arranged marriage. “And Oh!! If I find a Brit, I shall give him a piece of my mind”

This is a guest post by Shailee.

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cats-tailThe Lancashire Veterinary Journal this week published a scientific report on the increasing number of cases of Felis Notailus amongst the cat population of Great Britain. It’s feared the medical condition, which eventually leads to the animal’s tail falling off, could soon spread to Continental Europe and even North America.

Doctor Vince Pawson, one of the world’s foremost experts in cat physiology has described it as the most worrying of modern medical events and warns people to take the advice of their local veterinarian.

“Soon, it is going to be inevitable that this will make headline news across the nation and indeed the world. While most cats will survive the loss of their tail, as long as the resulting wound is cared for, it will nevertheless alter the general balance and behaviour of our feline companions drastically.”

Animal charities and veterinary associations countrywide and abroad are soon to begin delivering leaflets to registered cat owners informing them of the spreading condition and its symptoms. It’s not believed as yet that other animals, including humans, will be affected but tests are ongoing.

There is however some positive news. The condition, if caught early, can be reversed. Pet owners will be advised to undertake certain exercises with their cats regardless of whether the animal shows common symptoms.

Below are five of the twenty-three preventative measures that the Lancashire Veterinary Council will soon release in detailed brochures, including diagrams and charts.

1. Massage the region above where the tail meets the cat’s back. Make gentle circular movements for around ten minutes at least three times a day. This simple action will promote blood flow to the area.

2. Check to see if the cat has impacted anal sacs. These are pea-sized sac-like structures located under the skin around the anus. Although rare, these sacs are liable to burst when the anal sphincter muscles are contracted and the resulting acid coat itself around the cat’s tail. This will lead to skin legions and the accelerated onset of the new condition. If found, then seek advice with your local vet immediately.

3. The lactic acid in the milk we drink is both softening and exfoliating. Numerous admirers of milk baths including Cleopatra and Queen Elizabeth I of England have attested to their healing benefits. It’s advisable to use the kitchen or bathroom sink when soaking your cat in ordinary cow’s milk. First dip the animal’s hind legs into the pre-heated milk before lowering the entire body and most importantly, the tail, under the surface. Do this once every day, however don’t let the cat drink the milk afterwards.

4. It’s important to keep the muscles around the bottom of the spine strong and nimble. Find a room in your house with lots of space and free of sharp edges like the corners of tables or bookshelves. For the first minute, kneel calmly with the cat and assure it with loving strokes and sounds. Then slowly stand, wrap your hands around the middle of the cat’s tail and start to swing the animal around the room. Aim to make at least three revolutions every four seconds before decreasing the speed as the exercise draws to a close. It’s advisable to wear a thick jacket and gloves for this action.

5. Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), also known as electroshock is a controversial psychiatric treatment. However, veterinarians have recently been looking into the possible short and long term effects the practice might have on the new condition. It is important to keep all children and family members with heart pacemakers installed in a different room if and when you decide to experiment on your cat. Further details of the equipment needed for this treatment is provided in Section B of the brochure however a 60W lamp has been found to work sufficiently.

The brochure, which will include these five points and eighteen more valuable and helpful tips for stopping your cat’s tail from falling off, is set to be published and made available to the public in March 2009.

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Wordless Wednesday #3

by Edward on February 18, 2009

in Cats

cat-feet

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American Muslim TV boss beheads wife

by Edward on February 17, 2009

in Satire

hassansA decapitated female corpse was found in the offices of the Muslim satellite network Bridges TV, late last week in New York State. The head was found nearby. It’s believed the victim’s husband, Muzzammil Hassan, 44, was responsible and has since been arrested accused of second degree murder.

Mr Hassan was the founder of the television network where the body of Aasiya Hassan, 37, was found. Bridges TV was set up in 2004 as a news and opinion channel intended to act as a counter to violent images of Islamic violence and extremism. Mrs Hassan also worked for the network and was known to have filed for divorce a number times citing numerous incidents of domestic violence.

Meanwhile, in light of the murder, numerous fans of the network have come out in criticism of the press reaction and worldwide attention. An anonymous Muslim gentleman questioned why the beheading of an insolent wife was anything more than a minor offence. “Okay! Okay! it created a mess and I feel sorry for the carpet cleaner but let’s not get this out of proportion. He tried to instil discipline in her for years but what can you do?”

Shortly after the opening of Bridges TV, Muzzammil Hassan said of the new enterprise that “it is hoped the programming will help non-Muslims overcome the negative images they may have of both Muslims and Islam”.

The network has not gone without notice amongst critics after many dubious guests were found to have incited hatred against Jews and other non-Muslims. The Middle East Media and Research Institute (MEMRI) reported:

“One religious figure who appeared October 3 said Muslims have a duty to change America and to increase their numbers to 50% of the population from 2%. He recommended that Shariah, or Islamic law, be implemented in American courts. During a roundtable discussion on the Arab-Israeli conflict on October 5, one participant offered a solution: “For the Jews to leave and return to Europe.”

Muslim leaders across the United States have urged people not to associate the beheading with Islam which they repeat is a ‘religion of peace’. An Imam from the city of Chicago urged the general population not to think ill of the Islamic faith which “does not call for the murder of wives or unbelievers … unless the wife still doesn’t make the tea after a dozen thrashings … or the unbelievers are Jews, homosexuals, polytheists or atheists”.

Orchard Park police has refused to give further details about the crime but it is believed Aasiya Hassan died where she was found. The murder weapon has yet to be discovered. Muzzammil Hassan is scheduled to appear at a felony hearing in Orchard Park on Wednesday the 18th of February to determine bail.

The future of Bridges TV network is uncertain but it’s hoped by the US Islamic community that a number of other stations in the same mould will spring up, as well as the possibility of soon-to-be-built mosques and Islamic schools being named after Muzzammil Hassan.

“We are being attacked yet again!” said a masked protester outside the courthouse. “A number of derogatory comments have been made about Muslims. It’s very upsetting. Bridges TV gave us a voice in America and just because of a good man’s house duties, we are again being marginalised!”

Last year Muzzammil Hassan gave an interview in which he said: “The level of ignorance regarding Muslims and Islam is very high in the United States and it will take a lot of time for non-Muslim Americans to realize that they and their Muslim neighbors share many of the same values.”

Only time will tell, after his latest domestic incident, whether people will take heed of his words and if the perception of Islam will improve over the coming months amongst the general American society.

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george-galloway-big-brother-catHollywood actress Salma Hayek was in the spotlight recently for breastfeeding a starving baby in the African country of Sierra Leone. The 42-year-old mother of one was touring a hospital in the war-savaged country in support of a tetanus vaccination project when she came across the one week old baby whose mother had run out of milk due to malnourishment.

The Mexican-born actress picked up the baby immediately upon hearing of the mother’s plight and began breastfeeding it despite the presence of several media camera crews. Sierra Leone has one of the highest rates of infant mortality in the world and the sexy actress later said:

“The baby was perfectly healthy, but the mother did not have any milk. He was very hungry – I was weaning my daughter Valentina, but I still had a lot of milk, so I breastfed the baby. It was amazing because he was really looking at me and he’s very little. My baby is one year so he can suck a lot harder.”

Salma Hayek recently admitted in a newspaper interview last November that she was addicted to breastfeeding her daughter and that the possibility of professional rehabilitation was not off the cards.

“I’m like an alcoholic. It is like, I don’t care if I cry, I don’t care if I am fat, I am just going to do it for one more week, one more month, and then when I see how much good it is doing her and I can’t stop.”

Offers of support for the big bosomed actress have come from far and wide. Female fans have inquired as to whether she is officially for hire as a wet-nurse whilst legions of male fans have described their poverty stricken voids of hunger and begged for her assistance.

One of the most well known figures to have got in touch is the Scottish socialist politician George Galloway who wrote a detailed letter regarding the possibility of being breast fed by Salma Hayek. The Respect Party MP was widely ridiculed in 2006 for his Big Brother appearance where he took the role of a cat licking imaginary cream from the cupped hands of actress Rula Lenska.

The reasons for Galloway’s desire to be breastfed by the buxom star have not yet come to light but many critics of the Saddam Hussein-admiring firebrand have suggested it could be something to do with the beginning of the 5,000-mile journey to Gaza to deliver humanitarian aid, that he has helped organise. The Arabist Scot has delighted in reassuring the British population of an “intifada sweeping Britain”.

It’s thought the donated milk from Salma Hayek, which would be consumed by George Galloway, will be able to fuel his confrontational rhetoric for the entire 17 days of the journey from London to the Egypt-Gaza border.

A spokesman for the actress has refused to pass comment on the speculation. In other related news, Lancashire police stopped several suspicious vehicles near Preston which are said to be connected to the Gaza mission. In the boot of one of the cars was found Hazel Blears, the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, who detectives have suggested was being kept as an alternative in case the Hayek offer was rejected.

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pope-benedict-xviWord is coming through that the British parliament is set to approve a bill rendering all criticism of warfare a criminal offence. The move comes shortly after the recent ban imposed on Pope Benedict XVI from entering the United Kingdom due to his presence “not being conducive to the public good”.

Under the new law, which is expected to be given Royal assent, any and all mention of peace, reconciliation and pacifism could land the accused with a custodial sentence of more than twenty years followed by automatic deportation upon completion.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s spokesman has told the press that all Labour MPs are behind the bill as well as having cross bench support from the Liberal Democrats and some Conservatives. The Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is said to be aiming to get the bill passed as quickly as possible in time for the up-coming review of Britain’s role in the war in Iraq.

However, critics have complained that the possible new law goes against the very values and foundations of democracy and free speech. A UKIP parliamentarian who asked to remain anonymous said in an interview this morning:

“Democracy means differences and debate. It’s a very sad day when the UK bans an unsavoury but elected spiritual leader and outlaws the criticism of war. Pope Benedict might serve no other purpose but to offend with his words of peace but we still have a duty to let those we deem extreme have their say and that includes the general population as a whole.”

Foreign Secretary David Miliband told the BBC’s Hardtalk: “The home secretary made a decision on an individual case as she is required to do.”

Many newspapers have also supported the bill with The Guardian and The Independent among those most corroboratory. The Guardian’s ‘comment is free’ section has been filled with messages in agreement with the government’s plans. The chairman of the ‘Socialists for Equality’ group, which has connections to the Labour Party said:

“This is a wonderful new era for war, violence and freedom of speech. As has been said before, we are not allowed to cry ‘fire’ in a crowded cinema so why should people be allowed to incite peace with such barbaric messages of hope?”

Small protests have been planned by pacifists in a number of major British cities. They are expected to come in the form of mass sit-downs and tea parties on major roads and in cathedral squares.

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South Africa announce George Bush is dead

by Edward on February 11, 2009

in Satire

george-bush-pictureGeorge W. Bush died today according to a South African TV station. During one of its broadcasts, ETV News ran a moving banner across the screen announcing the death of the former US president.

Minutes later, jubilant crowds thronged the streets across the nation hoisting up flags and banners in celebration. In the capital Pretoria, tens of thousands of people marched upon the Union Buildings which include the official seat of the South African government. There they sang songs, danced and even joyously wept. Some reporters at the scene are said to have heard clapping and cheering coming from within the parliament building itself.

In Johannesburg, home to 3.8 million people, around 750,000 revellers danced in the city’s large Botanical Garden. Fireworks were set off, bungee-jumps erected and roses handed out to passers-by. Unfortunately, the local council is said to be devastated after the garden’s main attraction, the famous Rose Garden, was left bereft of its 10,000 roses.

Table Top Mountain, which overlooks the city of Cape Town saw its largest influx of visitors on record. Close to a million people flocked to the flat-topped mountain in order to attend a gigantic prayer service in thanksgiving for the day’s extraordinary news. One of South Africa’s prominent bishops was on hand to lead the act of worship.

However, it was later discovered that the TV moving banner news had been a mistake which had taken place when a technician had pressed the wrong button. The staff member had selected the “broadcast live for transmission” button instead of the test-run alternative. Apparently he had just wanted to see what the test banner would look like and had typed in “Bush is dead” as a gap filler.

“The technical director pressed the wrong button, it took a second for the words to appear and then the words were on screen for only three seconds before they were taken off.” said spokesman Vasili Vass.

Unfortunately, the correction was announced on television after most people had left their houses to celebrate the original, but mistaken, news piece. Police and the army have been put on high alert in case of widespread violence and rioting once the general public hear of the corrected news. It’s expected alcohol sales and the use of firearms will increase dramatically over the next week as people try to dull the pain.

The new US president, Barack Obama, has so far refused to comment on the story. Some Western media journalists are calling this the ‘Bushism of Bushisms’.

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{ 14 comments }

Wordless Wednesday #2

by Edward on February 10, 2009

in Cats

puddycat1

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{ 9 comments }

Japan suffers major Koan pandemic

by Edward on February 10, 2009

in Satire

taro-aso-japanese-prime-ministerReports coming out of Japan suggest the country of 127 million people has gone Koan crazy. Tourists arriving back at London Heathrow airport recall the major cities as having nearly come to a standstill under the Zen pandemic. Television and radio stations from Tokyo to Kagoshima have replaced usual programmes with round-the-clock philosophical questions and answers.

A Koan is a paradoxical anecdote or riddle that has no solution which is used in Zen Buddhism to show the inadequacy of logical reasoning.

Last month, the Japanese Prime Minister Taro Aso caused International concern when he asked on national radio whether he was the new pope or just a cabbage leaf. Mr Aso is the first Roman Catholic and the second Christian, to rule the proud island nation. He replied to his own question by stating that ‘perhaps I am Julius Caesar wearing a fig leaf’ leaving many people in complete confusion and genuine concern for his mental health.

A Sussex businessman arriving back from a week long trip to Japan told reporters waiting outside the Heathrow terminals about the ongoing situation.

“I noticed the drastic worsening of the mass pondering and ruminating as each day went by. When I first arrived last Monday, it was still possible to order sushi without the waitress asking whether the fish would disappear if she sneezed. Once Friday came, most people were affected and it was nigh on impossible to order a taxi or ask for hotel room service. Somehow, I managed to escape on one of the few planes still managing to get up into the air.”

Air traffic controllers throughout the country went out of service yesterday after a couple of near mid-air crashes. Electricity companies are at 50% service while water and gas have also seen reduced output.

Pilot Steve Marshall from British Airways said: “The Japanese controllers were seemingly delirious. When we asked for permission to land at Tokyo airport they asked whether our plane had come before the egg or vice-versa. We tried to reason with them but they continued with this astonishing philosophical claptrap. In the end, we just had to land regardless and hope for no collisions”.

Japanese internet sites have also been affected, with some of the most popular online hotspots wiping out previous material and merely listing thousands of Koans with nonsensical answers. Visitor numbers to the websites are said to have soared as ever increasing sections of the population indulge their Koan obsessions.

Neighbouring states including North Korea, South Korea, China and Russia have been put on high alert. The United States and many European nations have issued travel warnings to their citizens and encouraged those already in Japan to get out in whatever way possible.

Scientists and sociologists are completely baffled by the Koan pandemic and have no clue as to its origins. So far, there have been no reported cases outside of Japan but all are worried this could change as tourists return home to their respective countries.

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{ 4 comments }

elizabeth-queen-ii-prince-philipA spokesman for the Ethiopian government said on Sunday that the English monarch Queen Elizabeth the 2nd was descended from a 19th century tribeswoman from the Semien Mountains in northern Ethiopia. Records from the nation’s archives apparently provide evidence of a secret liaison between the then king Edward VII and a local unnamed peasant women. Queen Elizabeth’s great-great-grandfather, also known as the “uncle of Europe”, was said to have enjoyed numerous hunting trips into the heart of Africa during his lifetime.

Sceptics claim that the Ethiopians are trying to follow in the footsteps of their southern neighbour Kenya, who have a legitimate connection to the newly elected US president Barack Obama on his paternal side. Both the Kenyan and Eritrean governments were quick to squash the rumours regarding Queen Elizabeth as ‘absolute and crazy nonsense’.

However, an English historian who has chosen to remain anonymous said it could well be possible. Speaking from Addis Ababa airport, he said:

“I think there is a case to be made that Queen Elizabeth II is in fact partly Ethiopian. From the documents I have seen today, it is apparent that her ancestor King Edward VII had had a hushed up sexual relationship with an albino woman from a remote village in the northern mountain ranges of Ethiopia. If we can get some DNA from her majesty and begin some tests then I think we would establish this claim as a fact beyond any doubt”.

Scientists have often studied the features of the long reigning English queen. Some German biologists pointed out in 1985, that her mouth and cheeks were not typical of the northern European facial structure. French hair salons and famous stylists have often been silenced for mentioning the incredible lengths the monarch goes to in order to take the tiny curls out of her hair.

Paris hair dresser Paul Prideux, who was once her personal stylist, said in a radio interview last year:

“It is impossible! Impossible! ‘er ‘air is like a golli… er… an African! No more I tell you. She must get ‘nother ‘airdresser!”

Buckingham Palace has yet to comment on the speculation but is expected to issue a denial in the coming days. If the claims prove to be true it could mark a major change in British-Ethiopian relations. Some royal experts and supporters even think it could mark a revival in pro-monarchist sentiments amongst the usually hostile Liberal-Left, Socialists and the BBC who would warmly welcome an ethnic minority Commander-in-Chief. Somalia, who has been in conflict with Ethiopia, is said to be worried about the possible repercussions of a future alliance of a major Western power with its enemy.

The two nations are awaiting further developments with much interest.

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{ 7 comments }

The lives of two women in India

by Edward on February 8, 2009

in Guest Post

A day in the life of two women in India. One a successful businesswoman working in the city, the other a housewife in a small rural village.

Tanya
9:00 AM Wakes up.
9:45 AM Breakfast of eggs on toast and coffee. Reads the Business Standard and Times of India.
10:00 AM- 11:00 AM At work, discusses plans for the day with staff, follow-ups, calls & emails.
11:00 AM – 4:00 PM Meeting with clients to discuss Ad campaigns and to negotiate payments.
4:00-4:15 PM Break for yoga exercises.
4:15-7:15 PM Working with the team on Ad campaigns, brainstorming, photo shoots, planning.
7:15 PM Networking with clients, drinks & snacks at a bar/Lounge.
10:20 PM Night out socializing with friends at a disco.
01:00 AM At home, online networking, emails, work planning.
3:00 AM Goes to bed.
*******************************************
Tanya is a 29 year old single woman who runs her own advertising agency. She broke up last year with her boyfriend of 7 years due to his increasingly over possessive nature. She now lives in a flat by herself.

Dream: to find her purpose in life and to start a family with a man she loves & who loves her.
——–

Phooli
04:00 AM Wakes up.
4:30 AM Feeds the animals, milks the cows.
5:30 AM Wakes up husband and kids, makes tea for husband.
5:45 AM Prepares breakfast for husband, kids and in-laws and then gets kids ready for school.
6:45 AM Drops kids at school.
7:00 AM Sweeps and mops the house, washes clothes, cleans the animal sheds, chops firewood.
12:00 PM Works on embroidery and stitching jobs due that week.
1:00 PM Cooks lunch.
2:00 PM Picks up kids from school.
2:15 PM Feeds the kids, takes lunch for husband.
3:00 PM Makes sure kids do their homework and studies, looks after animals, works on embroidery & stitching jobs once more.
5:00 PM Presses the feet of in-laws, reads out the verses from Ramayana to mother-in-law (saasu ma).
6:00 PM Husband back from work. Makes tea & snacks for everyone. Presses the husband’s feet, head massage.
7:00 PM Cooks dinner, feeds animals, milks the cows.
8:30 PM Serves dinner, puts kids to sleep, irons all clothes, arranges clothes & kid’s bags for the next day.
9:00 PM Attends to husband’s needs.
10:00 PM Does the dishes, cleans the kitchen.
12:00 PM Goes to bed.
*******************************************
Phooli is a 25 year old woman. She was married at the age of 12 and has two daughters aged 10 and 8 respectively. She was made to drop out of school, although she was a brilliant student, as she could not be more educated than her groom. Her husband loves her dearly and they have mutually decided to educate their daughters and to send them to a good college. As of now they study in English medium schools and do their parents proud. She is also trying to talk her husband into sending her back to school to complete her education.

Dream: To pursue her Masters in Physics. To see her daughters better than the sons of her neighbours!

This is a guest post by Shailee.

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{ 7 comments }

Angela Merkel barbie doll is a hit in Nuremburg

by Edward on February 7, 2009

in Satire

angela-merkel-barbie-dollToy manufacturer Mattel, the German company behind the creation of the famous barbie doll, has this week been celebrating the 50th anniversary of the popular girl’s figurine. At the international toy fair in Nuremberg, the makers unveiled a special edition barbie modelled on the German chancellor Angela Merkel.

However unlike the short and rotund German leader, the doll is tall, slim and free from worry lines and the ravages of being middle aged whilst in charge of Europe’s largest economy.

A spokesman for the toy manufacturer said: “She’s simply a good role model for girls around the world”.

The Angela Merkel barbie doll was just one of over 70,000 new toys being shown at the fair which was celebrating its 60th anniversary. The majority of the exhibits were being described as environmentally friendly to coincide with the shows’ theme for this year. Manufacturers presented toys made out of cardboard and others fuelled by alternative sources of energy.

Another toy caused much controversy and furore. That of the new Osama Bin Laden action figure with detachable limbs and a cream-coloured cotton suicide belt. The ‘Al-Jihad Ur-Toys’ manufacturer from Saudi Arabia was a newcomer to the Nuremberg fair but most agreed it had probably made the biggest impression. Especially after the setting off of a smoke bomb from the action figure’s bottom.

Other toys at the fair included a doll’s house made of cardboard (probably not as good as the example shown here), the world’s first hydrogen fuel-cell toy car and a recycled pistol for children to shoot their parents with if they leave the TV on stand-by. It’s hoped these eco-toys will convey to the younger generation that their parents must be encouraged to go green.

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{ 1 comment }

Jeremy Clarkson apologises for Gordon Brown quip

by Edward on February 7, 2009

in Satire

jeremy-clarkson-cyclopsThe Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson was recently forced to apologise after calling British Prime Minister Gordon Brown a “one-eyed Scottish idiot” during a press conference in Australia. The remark came as Clarkson and his co-hosts were promoting Top Gear Live, a stage version of the popular motor show.

The topic of conversation had steered through the minefields of the global economy and the speech by Australian premier Kevin Rudd which had taken place earlier the same day. After criticising Rudd, Clarkson went on to say of Brown:

‘(In the UK) we’ve got this one-eyed Scottish idiot, he keeps telling us everything’s fine and he’s saved the world and we know he’s lying, but he’s smooth at telling us.’

The remark caused consternation in the offices of the Royal National Cyclops Institute based in London. Chief executive of the RNCI, Polly Themus, angrily commented on the insensitivity that the popular presenter had shown to the thousands of suffers across the United Kingdom.

‘I’d be quite happy to show Mr Clarkson the positive contribution people with one eye can make to society.’

However, she was soon being ushered away by security guards as she brandished a razor blade and bared her teeth at a magazine image of the pot-bellied Top Gear star.

The BBC were quick to issue an apology for any offence caused especially in light of the recent blunders by the broadcasting corporation. A shocked Clarkson, who is paid £2million a year, also fell on his knees in sorrow and repentance:

‘In the heat of the moment I made a remark about the Prime Minister’s personal appearance for which, upon reflection, I apologise.’

Iain Gray, the Scottish Labour leader, said: ‘Such a comment is really a reflection on Jeremy Clarkson and speaks for itself. Most people here are proud that the Prime Minister is a Scot and believe him to be the right person to get the UK through this global economic crisis.’

Gordon Brown lost the sight in one eye during his teens when an accident occurred during a rugby match. He declined to comment on the situation but was said to be keeping an eye on developments.

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